MY HOUSE IS NOT A HOTEL

Howdy folks,

I hope you’re all staying safe. It’s about 30 degrees today and I just indulged in a big bowl of ice-cream, reminiscing about my summer holidays last year in Greece and France! Even though there are travelling restrictions these days and there is still an overall sense of uncertainty, people are going on trips. In today’s post, I’m not going to focus on my amazing summer vacations or on the current situation but on people who only remember you when it’s the holiday season. I guess we could call them fair weather friends but the word “friends” has a positive connotation and friends don’t use you. Scroungers or freeloaders would be more appropriate, or just plain opportunists. Now, making the most of life’s opportunities is one thing but taking advantage at the expense of others, is another story.

I’ve never understood how people who you were never really close to or people who never made an effort to maintain a solid friendship with you, suddenly reappear in your life just to use your house as a hotel. Where do they get that kind of audacity and unmannerliness from? Were they brought up that way and is their life motto “Use people and then discard them”? I believe it’s a form of narcissism. Narcissists aren’t only in love with themselves, they have zero empathy, are selfish, manipulative and have little to no self-awareness. There are different types of narcissism and one narcissistic personality type has a strong sense of exploitativeness and entitlement.

When I was working for an organization in Rome many years ago, a girl I had just met from another department, blatantly told me: “I make friends with people from all around the world so that I can just stay with them when I visit their country”. Viva straightforwardness. At least she was honest about her intentions and her definition of “friendship”. Little naïve me didn’t really think much of her statement until….I realized I was surrounded by many people with the same egotistical mentality and who were using or trying to use me!!!

Let’s get this straight: I have no issue with letting my TRUE friends stay over, especially when it’s give and take. My closest friends have invited me to stay at their homes (in other cities or abroad), treating me like family, and they have been more than welcome to stay with me in Italy. There’s nothing wrong there. When I was invited to stay at my dear friend’s house in Greece last summer, she and her family pampered me like crazy, and I did not go empty handed. Moreover, she had stayed with me and my family in Italy many years ago, too. When you’re like family, you can treat each other like family. What I find absurd is how people vanish from your life (even if it wasn’t intentional and even if it was a mutual “losing touch” kind of thing), and then suddenly sprout up out of nowhere and say “I really want to come to your city (hint hint)” and I’m like, “What’s your name again?”.

Going back to the period when I was working in Rome, two colleagues who I considered true friends, came back to the south with me during our summer holidays, stayed at my place and then guess what? One never contacted me again (I have no idea which planet she lives on) and I barely heard from the other one (who had actually told me that I’m like family to her). One of the colleagues didn’t even offer me a peanut. They say that you shouldn’t do things just to get something in return but now that I’m more “experienced”, I also know that you shouldn’t be a fool either.

I also remember another colleague who I was pretty close to (or at least that’s what I thought), who came to my apartment in Rome whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on. I would always be there for her when she was sad but then when I needed her, she would be too busy partying with her other friends (who I highly suspect were fair weather friends too). We were supposed to meet up for coffee one day at the office and she replied “Sorry, I’m too busy” but when I went to the café, I saw her with her other coworkers/friends. Then she actually had the nerve to tell me “What’s wrong with you? You seem cold”. Needless to say, we drifted apart, though I guess we were never really “solid” to begin with. When I moved city, the same girl contacted me after about a year of no contact, just to say “I’ll be in your city. Can I stay at your place?”. You can guess what my answer was. 

A couple of years ago, an ex-colleague/friend told me she wanted to come to my city with her daughter, taking for granted that she could stay with me. As much as I cared about her and would have loved to have hosted them, I had to politely say no because of limited space and personal reasons. I even apologized and said that we could go on a little trip together instead but this person never contacted me again. At first I thought that maybe I had offended her but then I realized the truth: she was only nice to me because she wanted to have a free place to crash. It’s sad and disturbing when you realize how some people have no qualms about being opportunists, but at least, once you find out a person’s true nature, you can stay away from them. 

Now, if I had a friend who lived in Hawaii, I would LOVE to go. Are you kiddin' me? However, I would not invite myself over, saying “I booked a ticket and I’m coming over next week”. If I were invited to go there, I would give in return and I wouldn’t vanish into thin air. I’m not very active/interactive on Facebook, etc. (that’s not where I keep in touch with friends) but if you are a true friend, I will make sure to keep in touch in REAL life or on whatsapp, not because of obligation or because I want something, but because I care.

I can actually mention quite a few other people who had a nice little vacation at the Sato’s free B&B, including sons and daughters of “friends” who came, saw and ghosted. Veni, vidi e ghosti. Several times, people have even tried to invite themselves over for another holiday even though I already let them stay in my house in the past!! Again, if your relationship is tight knit, or if the person who wants to stay has also given something in return, it's acceptable behavior. If it's only one person who takes and takes though, it's time to put a halt and stop this madness. I get that life happens and people are busy (why they’re not busy when it comes to using people is a mystery though....) but when someone treats you like family and when you use their house for free room and board, it’s good manners to show some gratitude. 

After you have your lovely vacation, don’t say “Oh, when you come to _____, you can stay with me” just out of courtesy, without meaning it and then disappear so that there’s no way I could actually come stay with you. I actually know of people who say this robotic phrase and when I said “I’m thinking of coming for a weekend!”, they replied saying something like “No, sorry. I’ll be busy on that weekend until eternity”. If you really don’t want to invite them over to your place (which is odd because how come you feel entitled to practically invite yourself over but then your place is off-limits?), at least keep in touch. And don’t keep in touch ONLY so that you can have another nice little vacation for free again. It’s pathetic and loathsome.

Anyway, this sounds like a rant and it is. I also have some advice though for those of you who have encountered leeches in your life. I’m sure many of you can relate to this topic so here’s my two cents: learn how to say no. Have boundaries and respect yourself. I’ll never forget this quote that a nice coworker told me: “If people take advantage of you, it’s because you let them.”